Monday, September 5, 2011

C-c-c-cancerface, c-c-cancerface

If Lady Gaga was a cancer patient, she would have written this instead of "Pokerface."
Cancerface is the sad, pity-filled puppy dog face that most people give you after they find out you have cancer. This is the reaction that I dread the most, and I've seen it from nearly everyone - friends, family, doctors, nurses, receptionists. Everyone. It seems that cancerface is a bigger epidemic than cancer. Don't get me wrong - I understand if you must use it briefly as a knee-jerk reaction, but it needs to end there.
One nurse-in-training at UCSF had a full-on case of cancerface and used it for the entire hour that I was consulting with the head breast cancer nurse. She did nothing other than sit there with that pity-laden expression and nod at me like I just said my first word whenever I spoke. I'm positive that even Helen Keller could have felt that cancerface. No, I don't know if Helen had cancer, but I am sure the deaf-blindface is pretty similar to cancerface.
To put it plainly, kindness is much appreciated, pity is not. Please don't give me cancerface.

Other things not to do or say to someone with cancer:

Do not say, "Be positive!"
Please don't tell me how to feel. If you have never had cancer, then you have no idea what I'm going through. The anger and sadness were at times overwhelming when I was first diagnosed, and someone telling me to be positive was like a slap in the face. I can be pissed if I want to - I've got freaking cancer. Let me be mad. I know that staying positive is important, but it's okay to have breakdowns too. I think that's not only true of cancer but life. There is one exception for telling me how to cope. If you are a cancer survivor or patient, your advice and even a "you need to stay positive" is welcome.

Do not say, "I hope you make it."
Yes, I've heard it. A "wow, I hope you don't die" is also not appreciated.

Say something, anything, or just listen
I greatly appreciate the support from family and friends and students. Even if you say something "wrong," it's much better than saying nothing at all. A few friends didn't get back to me for days and weeks following me telling them about my diagnosis. It hurt. I'm sure they just didn't know the right thing to say or do, but it was still painful not to hear anything. I tell my students that "I don't know" is a valid answer. If you don't know what to say, "I don't know what to say" works! The best thing someone can say is probably, "Wow, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" Those few sentences speak volumes and, yes, I will probably need help.
By the way, I loved the cards and care packages people have sent me. I feel like I got more from my C-day (cancer diagnosis day) than from my b-day (my birthday, ironically I'm a Cancer).

What to do - check in and come visit
The most important thing to me is time with my friends, so please feel free to check in or come see me, especially when I'm too weak to get my butt to San Francisco. I know it may suck to come to the East Bay, but I can pick you up at the BART station. :) Because I'm single, I spend a lot of time alone anyway, which I usually don't mind at all. But now, when I'm alone, it's easier to obsess over my disease and treatments. Time, even phone time or a text, is the greatest gift you can give me.


2 comments:

  1. Hi Melissa!! It's Rebecca. I'll admit it. I was someone who didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. Now I'm saying I'm glad you're pissed. Cancer doesn't need a polite "please leave" it needs a pissed off "get out of my body". On another note, being single & alone a lot myself, I have plenty of time on my hands. I know we haven't spoken a lot since you moved, but if you anticipate a weekend anytime this year where you wish someone could be around, I'd be happy to fly out & spend it with you - seriously! Dog walking, rides places, or whatever else you might need all included!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks so much, Rebecca! Your offer is much appreciated. I will definitely keep that in mind. I hope you're doing well! :)

    ReplyDelete